| It appears I do, and goodness I am glad I still have it because it is, to a point, a portrait of my personal history. I am almost tempted to make all my posts public, almost...but won't because there are too many and well because some of them are too private, and by far I am too embarrassed to publicize them.
However, with that being said I have been thinking alot of my past. I can exclaim outloud how different I am from just a few weeks prior but with the same breath I have to sigh because I am still hopelessly struggling with the same issue. However, it seems to me that the Lord has been blessing me greatly during these past couple weeks.
I realize that I am needy, or more accurately, still needy. I have an innate desire to be wanted, and to belong, yet all the physical displacements during my youth has made that holy longing into a perverted neediness. I have dealt with people in a strange manner, I am clingy when I first meet a new group of people, and if by chance they can bear me long enough for me to drop some of the clinginess. I would leave their immediate locale and would subsequently drop all forms of communication with them. I looked for a place to belong, family wasn't good enough and certainly God had no answers.
I wanted people to be exclusive to me, even though the logical conclusion to that path of thought was certain death for those whom I wanted close to me. I got jealous when they were hanging out with others over me, I thought that they were ungrateful because I was sacrificing my all for their sake and they were walking all over me. Of course my accusations were not voiced, and certainly my friends were doing none of that to me but in my hurt I could project and imagine anything.
Then the Lord rocked my world in 2003, 2004, 2005, and still does in 2006 and will continue to rock my world until He welcomes me back home. From 2003 till now, God has used my dear friend Jane Doeto teach me about Himself and how He wants us to interact in this world.
JDoe and I have had our share of problems, mainly because of stupid things called emotion,attraction,projection...and to further add to this comedy the Lord has allowed our friendship to maintain a certain clay-like attribute. But whatever the circumstance, whoever the players in this play, the Lord had full control and has shown Himself to be wise through and through. I feel as if I were to describe the full extent (or even partial extent) of our dysfunction, it would be a season's worth of sit-com material (minus the funny part.) However what the Lord showed me was a revelation that took 22 years of hurt to finally start torealize.
He showed me that He is the only One that matters, that I must adore Him, and Him only and that I can only begin to love others once I have started to love Him. He showed me that I was hating those I "loved" by drawing them to me, and to me only. He showed me that my desire for intimacy was suffocating those whom I wanted near me, and that only through Him can I love. Only after I have loved Him, only after I was loved by Him that I can start to Love. It was a watershed moment for me, and though I may not truly have understood this mystery of God's love, it frees me from the immediate compulsions I have of pleasing others for the sake of approval. In this freedom, I can see my brothers and sisters in Christ as just that, brothers and sisters. In this freedom, I can allow myself to truly bless others, and only through Christ can I truly love and truly bless. He has to fill me with what is good, for nothing good can come out of me. I am currently learning how to empty myself, so I can be filled.
to be continued... |
